Mixed Muses: merely the girl that he had killed

[aimedforthemoon]

from here:

She makes outside, just, and falls back against the wall. She wanted to run, run as fast and far as she could, but her legs wouldn't-won't-can't carry her any further.

do I know you?

She can't breathe.

Szabo Tibor

what are you doing here
it appears for me
was it worth it

No

She can't breathe.

She's breathing too much, shallow and fast and gasping and her hands are (It’s hot enough that there the sweat on her neck is driving her insane and she brings up her free hand to wipe it away. Her hand stops. It’s a small hand, one that had never quite grown large enough to span an octave on Sashenka’s piano. Pale skin now flushed, tiny white scars, ridiculously delicate fingers. And her hand is) shaking. Slowly, oh so slowly, she gets down, lets her head fall back into the wall(/floor. From here she can see that red arrow on the gage and

no, no, nono, god, no)

even before she shuts her eyes she has tears running down her cheeks.

Comments

[isaysimplewords]

Cal is on his way out to run - a little late today, but who's counting? - but his plans change instantly.

"Fira?" He's on his knees by her side as fast as he can move, reaching out to steady her.

[aimedforthemoon]

"Cal," but she has to breathe in to say his name, and that makes her choke. It also makes her start to cry.

[isaysimplewords]

"Fira."

It's a shock. He's never seen her cry before. He panics for a second or two before instinct kicks in and he puts his arms around her, cradling her the way he used to do with Calvin.

"It's okay, I'm right here," he says. "It's okay." That, too, is instinct. He has no idea if it's okay or not.

[aimedforthemoon]

She clings to him, fisting his shirt as if she is never letting go. And she sobs, harsh and ugly but for not as long as one might think.

"He. He. He's here."

[isaysimplewords]

"Who?"

Cal rubs her back gently, not quite thinking as closely as he should about who, exactly, it would take to make her fall apart like this.

[aimedforthemoon]

"The man who killed me."

[isaysimplewords]

"Jesus," Cal hisses. Then, in a gentler tone,

"Did he hurt you?"

("Again?")

[aimedforthemoon]

"No.." Her voice is harsh, sharp, but she's still clinging to him.

[isaysimplewords]

"Good."

It's one of the few moments in his life where he doesn't know what else to say, so he kisses the top of her head instead and keeps holding her.

[aimedforthemoon]

Then, later, with her eyes closed and voice soft,

"He said it wasn't worth it."

[isaysimplewords]

Cal doesn't see how it could be, but then, he's a peaceful man with blood on his hands. He didn't spill it himself, but he helped it to be spilled all the same. So he can't really understand a murderer's mindset.

"Would it be better if it was?" he asks after a moment.

[aimedforthemoon]

"I...I I don't know."

[isaysimplewords]

Cal steps carefully, not sure if anything is really the right thing to say here, but unwilling to let silence fall.

"If it's not worth it," he offers, "then he's not glad he did it." Pause. "And he shouldn't be."

[aimedforthemoon]

"And he might as well not have done it."

Then her mouth pulls to the side.

"But, if it was, I would be angry."

[isaysimplewords]

"It sucks either way, yeah," Cal agrees. He hesitates, then continues slowly, "And either way, it still happened. Maybe this way he hates himself for it. Hating yourself is a fucking miserable way to live."

Cal knows that firsthand, but there's no sympathy in his voice. It's simply a statement of fact.

[aimedforthemoon]

Esfir looks up, looks at him.

"Good."

[isaysimplewords]

Cal nods, relieved to see her looking calmer and more clear-eyed.

"Damn right," he says.

[aimedforthemoon]

She takes a deep breath, and another, but doesn't move away.

[isaysimplewords]

Cal is still rubbing her back, holding her protectively. He's not going anywhere until she's ready to move.

This time, he lets silence happen, to give her room to settle her mind.

[aimedforthemoon]

"I still don't know what to do, you know."

[isaysimplewords]

"Neither do I," Cal admits. He has no idea what he would do if Gliardi ever walked through that door. Nothing so graceful and dignified as going outside and crying, he's sure. "You talked to him . . . did it go okay? I mean. Relatively speaking?"

[aimedforthemoon]

"Short. And I told him to stay away from me. And left."

[isaysimplewords]

"Did he seem like he would?"

Cal is very ready to interfere if that doesn't prove to be the case.

[aimedforthemoon]

She thinks about that for a moment.

"I don't really think he cares enough to not."

[isaysimplewords]

"Oh." He pauses a bit over that. "As long as you're safe."

He sighs. The rest of it - the very idea of her having to be around that bastard at all, even just sharing a building - he doesn't know what to do about that.

[aimedforthemoon]

"He can't kill me again."

[isaysimplewords]

Doesn't mean he can't try, Cal just barely keeps himself from saying. Instead, he gives her a faint smile.

"I worry a lot. Humor me."

[aimedforthemoon]

"Idiot," she mutters, but fondly. Then she presses her hands to her eyes.

"I'm worried about someone killing him."

[isaysimplewords]

Strangely enough, Cal isn't. Not because he doesn't think it could happen if word gets around - Esfir has made some interesting friends here - but because the idea doesn't worry him.

"That be a problem?" he asks mildly.

(Cal's mother is a ruthless woman, and his father - his real father - killed for pleasure. Their combined blood in his veins can turn him so cold.)

[aimedforthemoon]

Esfir moves away from him, just enough that she can look at him properly. Her face is still, as normal, but her eyes are cold. Soviet cold, yes, but more than that.

(the dead so soon grow cold)

"I want him to live a very, very long time with what he did. If he was killed, he would be escaping it."

[isaysimplewords]

Cal can see the appeal in that, especially since he and Esfir have no reason to believe in hell, or any real afterlife. They never made it there.

(Every world is different, but why risk it?)

He nods, once.

"We can at least make sure nobody here gets any bright ideas," he says.

[aimedforthemoon]

"Or at least I'll get angry with them."

She wouldn't mourn if he were killed, but...

[isaysimplewords]

"That'd be enough to stop me," Cal says. "I think it's your call, not anyone else's."

We'll put his life in your hands this time, see what he thinks of that.

[aimedforthemoon]

"Thank you."

[isaysimplewords]

Cal smiles a little, and kisses her forehead.

"You're welcome."

[aimedforthemoon]

"Stay here? With me?"

Please?

[isaysimplewords]

"Till you're sick of me," he promises.

[aimedforthemoon]

She doesn't say 'never', just smiles and moves back to hug him.

The smile doesn't last long, but at least it was there.