post-Endor

[aimedforthemoon]

There had been the battle, and then there had been the party, and then there had been the post-battle sex in her room at Milliways (might as well be comfortable) and if there had been something desperate to Esfir, something that spoke of let me forget let me feel please god do not leave me alone, Ben at least had the sense not to mention it.

~

She'd fallen asleep after, curled up against him.

~

She hadn't dreamed.

~

She had woken up before dawn. Eventually, she had crawled out of bed and silently (silently as she could, anyway) gotten dressed in the dark. Then she left.

~

Outside, just after dawn, she is sitting on a rock and flicking pieces of a broken stick with an absent-minded detachment. From that lack of expression on her face, it doesn't look as if she plans on moving.

Comments

[almosthonorable]

Movement pulls him from sleep; the Lieutenant's slipping out of bed.

He doesn't say anything, just resettles his arm against his now-empty side. He drifts for a while -- they're all so damn tired after everything that happened on Solo's side of the door.

His eyes open.

Ordinarily, he'd let her be, but since they came back --

He sits up and scrubs his face, pulls on his clothes, and stuffs his feet in his boots.

He'll check downstairs. Where there's coffee.

[aimedforthemoon]

She's not downstairs.

She is still outside, still thinking.

She's thinking about the rocket that took her to the moon, and how it was based on a weapon.

She's thinking about Stalingrad, and what the German pilots felt when they looked down into the inferno they'd created.

She's thinking about her childhood heroes, and what they felt when they came back in their creaking planes.

She's thinking about all her hours and hours of training and lectures and simulations.

She's thinking about the fact that she's never killed anyone before.

(she isn't sure what she feels about that last part)

[almosthonorable]

It takes him longer than he'd like, but he finds her on the rock.

He doesn't say anything, just takes a seat beside her (close but not too close), and offers the extra Styrofoam cup in his hand.

[aimedforthemoon]

She accepts the cup without comment or look.

Eventually,

"I killed people yesterday."

Her tone is even, matter-of-fact, but just a little distant. As if she is trying to work things out, even as she speaks.

Slowly, she takes a sip of the coffee.

"Never had before," she adds.

[almosthonorable]

He nods, keeping his eyes on the coffee in her grip, in case she doesn't want or need scrutiny.

"Wasn't what anybody'd call an easy day."

His voice is still rough with sleep.

"But you did a helluva job, Lieutenant, keepin' us all alive."

[aimedforthemoon]

"I did my job."

Another sip.

"I don't want...I don't want you to tell me good job and all of that. That's not...I'm soldier, but I never had to do that before. All that training, and yesterday didn't...quite feel real." Esfir speaks slowly, far more slowly than normal, trying to sort out her thoughts before she says them.

"What do you."

Stop, drink the coffee.

"Can I ask you something? And you answer honestly?"

[almosthonorable]

Gently, "That ain't what I'm doin' -- I ain't gonna pat you on the head just 'cause you look like you need to be cottoned. I like you too much for that."

He's lifting his cup when she voices her question, and the coffee stops halfway to his mouth.

"Go right ahead."

[aimedforthemoon]

Her green eyes flick up to look at him.

"What do you feel? When you kill someone?"

[almosthonorable]

"Alive."

[aimedforthemoon]

There is the faintest frown between her eyebrows, just for a moment.

"And, after?"

[almosthonorable]

"Still alive."

(He's being honest; there's no mirth behind the words.)

"And happy to be."

He rests the cup on his knee, fingers loosening around it by a fraction.

"After, I -- I pay my respects in my own way, but they're dead for a reason."

[aimedforthemoon]

Esfir nods, now looking down.

"That makes sense."

And then, eventually,

"I don't know how I feel."

[almosthonorable]

He takes a drink from his cup, welcoming the warm, bitter liquid on his tongue.

"Nothin' wrong with not knowin' right off."

[aimedforthemoon]

"Would it be oke if I didn't feel anything?"

[almosthonorable]

He forgets about his coffee entirely, setting the cup on the ground beside the rock.

He wraps an arm around Esfir's slight shoulders and pulls her close, turning his head to nod against her hair.

"That's just fine."

[aimedforthemoon]

She puts her own coffee down and curls into him, one arm slipping around his back even as she shuts her eyes. For a long moment, she just stays like that; breathing him in, listening to his heart and concentrating on the feel of his solid body.

"Thank you."

[almosthonorable]

He just holds her, keeping his breathing slow and even, giving her something steady to focus on.

"No need for that -- sittin' like this with you ain't a chore."

[aimedforthemoon]

That gets a smile, for all he can't see it.

"Even in the cold?"

[almosthonorable]

"Even in the cold."

He gives her shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"Mostly 'cause you're keepin' me warm."

[aimedforthemoon]

"Liar," she pronounces, after contemplation.

[almosthonorable]

Almost cheerfully, "Mostly."

His lips twitch, and he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

"Think it might be the coffee instead."

[aimedforthemoon]

"Thought so."

She doesn't want to move. Possibly, ever.

[almosthonorable]

(He doesn't mind.)

"But you feel nice, if it's any consolation."

[aimedforthemoon]

This time, she really can't help that wide smile.

"Thank you."

[almosthonorable]

"Told you there ain't a need for that."

He shifts slightly to glance down at her, and the early-morning sun shoots streaks of red-gold through her dark hair; his chin grazes her crown.

"Meant it, too."

[aimedforthemoon]

"So, I say nothing?"

[almosthonorable]

"Well, no -- "

His arm tightens around her briefly.

"I appreciate what you're sayin'. But you don't have to worry 'bout thank-yous when it comes to me, Lieutenant."

[aimedforthemoon]

"But I don't know what else to say," she says, tone caught somewhere between rueful and helpless.

[almosthonorable]

He breathes a laugh into her hair.

"Good mornin' might be a start."

A beat.

"And later, you can teach me how to cuss in Russian."

[aimedforthemoon]

"I think you'll enjoy that."

Then, feeling altogether better about life than she did before,

"Good morning, Ben Wade."

[almosthonorable]

Damn straight, he will.

"Mornin', Esfir Yazycova."

A beat and a smile.

"That wasn't too bad of a start, was it?"

[aimedforthemoon]

"No," she says with a smile, "it wasn't."